BTB men, 

We have always had gay / SSA men coming through our 7-week BTB groups and we have a growing number participating in our alumni community. 

I know this is a confusing and divisive topic in the church, so I hope this statement is helpful in bringing clarity and in helping make BTB a safe place for all men, especially our gay/SSA brothers. If anyone wants to discuss this further with me, please reach out and I’m happy to set up a conversation. And to be clear: we haven’t had any issues that I’m addressing with this statement. I praise God our BTB community has been a welcoming, non-judgmental place for all men! I’ve been meaning to write a statement like this for a while as I often get asked by gay/SSA guys if they can participate in our groups, so I hope this helps them feel welcomed and helps us straight guys with how we can create a safe place for all. 

I compiled all the podcast interviews I’ve ever done on LGBTQ here. I will be referencing different episodes in this email. I encourage you to listen to some or all of these. If you’re going to listen to only one, I highly recommend the episode with Pastor Jack Systema’s sermon. Jack is a fellow-BTB alum and his sermon is the best talk I’ve ever heard on this subject. 

I (Noah) and BTB believe that God’s design for sex and marriage in Scripture is that sex is between a man and a woman in a marriage covenant. 

The gay/SSA men who are joining BTB also believe this and are committing their lives to live by it, to the best of their abilities, just as us straight guys are.

There is a growing Christian stance about LGBTQ+ sexuality called “open and affirming,” meaning the belief that God and/or the Bible are okay with same-sex sex and marriage. This is not my view / BTB’s view. Greg Coles and I discuss this view in our two interviews. I also discuss this at length in a sermon I did at my church on this subject, knowing I have some in my church who hold this view. I highly recommend you listen to this sermon as it covers everything I’m writing in this statement. Straight BTB men who hold the open & affirming view are welcome in our community, as long as they can submit to BTB’s view within our community and don’t feel the need to persuade others to their view.

Same sex attraction / orientation is not a sin. This is really important. I talk about this in my interview with Wesley Hill, and likely in others as well. Wes describes being gay like being left-handed­–it is a part of everything you do and often has little to do with sex. Listen to the whole convo for more context. When the church says things like “homosexuality is a sin” or “homosexuals are going to hell”, we are telling people YOU are a sin, because a gay person’s whole life is “homosexual”, not just if/when they are having sex with someone. Most of the gay men I know discovered they were gay roughly between the ages of 7-13. They certainly weren’t having sex or doing anything sinful at these ages, yet were receiving these shaming, harmful messages from the church. Imagine your dad or pastor pointing their finger at you as a young boy and saying “YOU are a sin.”

The goal of discipleship for a gay person is not to become straight. There are rare stories of this happening and each story has its own individual nuances and contexts, and often not “absolute” change in the end. But my point is that these rare occasions are harmful and shaming to hold over all gay/SSA Christians as their goal or God’s plan for them. This will never happen for a very high percentage of gay/SSA Christians and intense spiritual trauma has been inflicted on gay/SSA Christians when the church has taught this and forced people into this. Some gay/SSA Christians are able to marry an opposite sex person (i.e., gay man marries straight woman), but even this is not possible for many. A mixed-orientation marriage is Laurie Krieg’s story, which she talks about in our interview, but she is very clear that she is still gay. 

The behavior of same-sex sex is a sin in Scripture. Behavior is what the Old and New Testament call out as sin in the Hebrew and Greek, not “being gay.” A single, celibate gay man is not sinning, even though he continues to be gay (remember the boy who realizes he is gay at 7 years old). A gay man in a mixed orientation marriage is not sinning, even though he continues to be gay. While it’s not a perfect analogy, I often say I don’t control the attractions I have for women who aren’t my wife – pretty women are still going to be pretty – but I do control and am responsible for my behavior that stems from those attractions. My behavior is a sin (including mental lust) and that’s what I’m working on in BTB! But we can’t shame ourselves for having attraction. For gay/SSA guys, their attraction is toward men. Mine is an over-attraction to women. Neither of us choose our attraction and we would choose it away if we could, so we work together as brothers to align our heart, lives, and behavior to God’s commands for sex, and allow Jesus to meet us and love us in our brokenness.

Terminology is something that has (sometimes sharply) divided Christians who otherwise are in agreement about what the Bible says about biblical sexuality. If you already have your mind made up about which terminology is correct, I invite you to slow down and consider additional perspectives here. Some gay/SSA Christians prefer the terms “gay”, “LGBTQ”, and/or “queer.” Others prefer “Same Sex Attracted (SSA).” It’s important to respect both as everyone’s journey is different and both have sound reasons for their choice. The Christians I know who prefer “SSA” for themselves are doing so, from what I gather, because they don’t want to be over-associated with what culture or the church sees as the definition of “gay” being connected with sexual behavior. Their walk has more clarity by not clumping in with the broader gay community, and more clarity by compartmentalizing it from the rest of who they are. Some also want to avoid an assumption by others that they are having sex, pursuing relationships, etc. if they used the term “gay.” And in some church circles, there would not be any acceptance if they used the term “gay”, even if they were celibate. I am generalizing here and ask forgiveness from anyone who uses SSA that I didn’t fully represent accurately.

Other gay/SSA Christians prefer the term “gay” because of what I stated above that the orientation / attraction is not a sin, so anything that feels like hiding only adds unbiblical shame to them. Another point I frequently hear is that the dictionary definition of “gay” is to be attracted to the same sex, so they choose to use the English language word that describes their same sex attraction. This is another way they reduce shame. I’ve heard critiques that “Same Sex Attraction” is a made-up word/phrase by a niche of the Christian church and it’s strange or even embarrassing to use in the broader world we live in. Saying “I’m gay” is a way of accepting who they are (i.e., Wesley Hill’s analogy of being left-handed) and receiving God’s love as they are. Many of these gay Christians also want to help the broader, secular gay community experience Jesus and so they live into this shared solidarity. Straight Christians often can get tripped up by the phrase “Gay Christian.” Not all Christians who identify as gay use this phrase, but for those who do, they aren’t identifying with their sin above Christ (as “gay” is not a sin, same-sex sex is). This is something you sometimes hear from conservative Christian groups and is an unfair, untrue assumption and accusation, and is simply not what gay Christians mean when they use that phrase. To use “gay” as an adjective in this context is like using “Black” or “Hispanic” to distinguish an experience that is a minority within the American church and represents something that is unique with its own contributions that it brings to the broad table, and again is an effort to not hide and to not allow shame to build. The comparison of “Well, I’d never call myself a Lustful Christian” is inaccurate and unfair as “lust” is a sin behavior and “gay” is not. A better comparison would be that you likely wouldn’t call yourself a “Straight Christian,” but that’s because the experience of being straight in normative. You’d rarely need to distinguish that trait of yourself in order to connect with a customized discipleship plan to meet your needs as one who is straight and a Christian. But if you attended a conference designed for gay/SSA Christians and were in a discussion group, you would likely find it helpful to call yourself “straight” or a “straight Christian” in order to identity the different needs and challenges you face on your discipleship path verses the gay/SSA Christians who made up the majority of your group. Again, I am generalizing here and ask forgiveness from anyone who uses “gay” that I didn’t fully represent accurately.

We have gay/SSA BTB guys in our community who are: 1. Open to all about being gay/SSA, 2. Open to only a select few, sometimes only me, about being gay/SSA, and 3. Haven’t shared with anyone in BTB about being gay/SSA. 4. and others who are bisexual, meaning they have attraction to both men and women and may fall into any of the previous 3 categories –My hope is we can create a safe environment where all of these men feel safe sharing their whole story in BTB communities. It is difficult, if not impossible, to receive the healing we need if we have to hide our story from others out of fear of judgment. That’s the power of shame. The acceptance and validation from Jesus that we experience from other men is the “secret sauce” (citation: Rick Rod!) to our healing and to killing that shame–replacing it with love, value, and acceptance! But I will never pressure or force these men to share their full stories. They each have experienced incredible hurt from the church being an unsafe place for them to be vulnerable, and I grieve that with them, and respect whatever decision they make. My hope and prayer is that over time, they find BTB to be a safe community that they can trust, and share their full stories with the BTB community. But it will take intentionality on the whole BTB community for that to become a reality.

I often tell gay/SSA guys “We are all in the same boat,” because we are! BTB-alum Pastor Jack Sytsema says this well in my interview with him and his wife. All of us, gay or straight, are thirsting for love, acceptance, and validation. We are looking for it in sex and romance (and its fantasies of porn and lust), whether that be from men or women. We are all chasing these idols. We all need Jesus to give us the love, acceptance, and validation that only he can–the only love that will truly satisfy us. And we all need other men in community to embody this love for us, replacing our shame with the healing grace of Jesus. Reminding us we are our Father’s son, and he loves us so much. He is so pleased with us. And nothing can add or subtract to how much he loves us and approves of us right now! 

Gay/SSA Christians who hold to living out the Bible’s design that sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman are heroes of my faith. They are “picking up their cross” and following Jesus in incredible ways that I’m unable to fully relate to. I lament how the Church has shunned them and shamed them, when we should be lifting them up as leaders and pillars of sacrificial discipleship! I read Greg Coles’ book Single, Gay, Christian and found it so inspiring to my own call to sacrifice my sexual desires to God out of worship and obedience­. I felt like if Greg could do it, giving up much more (in a sense) that I have to, then I certainly could as well! 

You can read every blog post I’ve ever written on LGBTQ+ here if interested. The most recent are all podcast eps, but go back into the archives to see a lot of blog articles. 

Please reach out if you have questions.

Thank you, men! I’m grateful to be in such a loving community as BTB where we embody Jesus’ grace and mercy to one another in such healing ways. 

-Noah Filipiak